So I understand that very little people read this and actually care about what it says, but now this is more for me to have a place to release and not so much about who reads it and how many comments I get.  There is something empowering about being able to take exactly what you're feeling and express it through words...

Let me start by saying that I have found my background song.. The song that would be playing in the background if my life was a movie.  Jessica Simpson's new song "I Belong To Me". Amazing song.

This post is in some ways a tribute to my childhood, a thanks to everyone that made me who I am today and to the places that mark my exsistance.  You will never hear me go ONE SINGLE day without complaining, but when it comes down to it... I was blessed.  There are things in my life that I will complain about until you are tired of hearing it, but I've GOT to start being more grateful.  I never when without in my life, without food, without clothes, or without love.  I have never had to go hungry a day in my life, I have never been unclothed.  Sure, I may not have had the clothes that I wanted or that would have made me "cool", but I ALWAYS had nice things.  I had the chance to spend the first 6 years of my life in what seemed to be a happy family enviornment.  I have so many things about me that result from those first 6 years.  My daddy shines through me.  Let's get real, my mom and I are completely different, but I have no doubt in my mind that she loves with all her heart.  I don't think I've ever had to go a day without hearing "I love you" from at least 1 person.  I absolutely LOVE Van, and would not have chosen to grow up ANYWHERE else in the world.  That town probably means more to me than the thing you love the most in this world.  Every belief, moral, or value I am as a person came from me being there.  I grew up in a healthy, happy church family atmosphere. Sure it took a turn when my parents decided to split up, but as I've gotten older I realize that splitting up is much better than living in an unhappy home or for one or both of my parents to be miserable for the rest of eternity.  I was blessed in the way that my daddy stayed in Van and my parents always got along after their divorce.  I never had to go without seeing my dad or my mom or having to chose between the two like some kids have to do.  I was blessed with THE BEST brother I could ever ask for.  He has been nothing but good to me and loves me no matter what!  There is always a person for a group of people that you feel you can let your hair down with and be your COMPLETE self with, and for me... he is it.  I love you Simon.  JE Rhodes Elementry is my heaven.  I hope to one day teach little kiddies there and become a few kids heros just as my teachers.  I had the chance to meet most of my best friends when we were just born and continue to have the SAME group of friends as I graduated from high school, give or take a few :) Junior High is a hard time for ANYONE, whether or not you want to admit it, it's hard.  I had the chance to travel and get involved in all kinds of activities that you might not be able to do on such a personal level at any other school!  High school was the best 4 years of my life and if you are still there, please live everyday as if it's your last because I can promise you that if you grew up in Van, YOU WILL MISS IT EVERYDAY.  Wait, and I promise that I won't be the one to say I told you so, because that's lame, but it's hard. I seriously went to the darkest days I've EVER been through at the end of summer when high school was starting and I wasn't attending.  Homecoming, Prom, and Dress up week is what I lived for and just like that it's all gone. Everything that I knew 5days a week for 13 years of my life, just...over.  It sounds so stupid but I was at the point where I didn't want to live, I wanted to die, if I couldn't go back. But I'm out of that now and I'm moving on with my life :) During high school I had the chance to experience one of THE coolest things.  The boys winning state was such an amazing experience. So thanks to the Van Vandal State Champs!!! :)

Friends, friends, friends.  I have been blessed enough to have FABULOUS friends most of my life.  I always felt I had someone to laugh with or a sholder to cry on.  Most of my friends I have known for basically my ENTIRE life... which I wouldn't have any other way.   I wouldn't trade any of them for anything. But there are two very special ladies that have the power to tear me up litterly if I lost their friendship.  Courtney Alyssa Hughes is my world and has been a gift from God and I am dying without her here to help me get through my hard times. Second is the love of my life and seriously MY BEST FRIEND.  When I say she's my best friend, I don't use that term lightly.  She is everything I've ever hoped and prayed for.  Shelby Denise Harris is my angel.  She saved me. There is not a time in my life where I can think that I've loved someone more than I love her, or felt the connection with anyone that I do with her.  We bond on a level that's unreal.  It is one of the hardest things IN THE WORLD for me to be away from her right now, but we are getting through. Shelb, I want you to know that you will NEVER be replaced no matter where I go, what I do, or who I meet. There is a special place in my heart reserved for you and always will be because you've earned that.  Thanks for always being there for me ♥♥♥♥♥

My brother, Johnnie, and I just came from the Student Center where we saw a guy that has to use arm braces to walk and obviously has very little leg function at all.  To say the least it BROKE MY HEART.  & to think that I can't go a day without complaining about stupid things when there are people out there who are pushing through so many harder things then I will ever be faced with.  I know that we are all guilty of it, but my God... How selfish can I be.  I am heathly, and completely capable of most things and all I do is complain.... I will try harder and that's a promise!!

My days will get better, and I will be happy again eventually... Pray, Pray, Pray for the struggling girl in Stephenville ((that's me))

I love you, I promise ♥

This is my dorm room in Stephenville!! I've offically moved in and I start college TOMORROW! :) YAY! I absolutely LOVE it here!!

Xanga is lame i know... but sometimes it feels good to just let everything out.  

So, basically i've never felt so left behind in my life.  So much is going on in my life right now and i refuse to take part. I feel like i'm on the outside just looking in on it all.  My mom had her wedding, moved and left me behind.  It was without a doubt my choice to stay...I understand that, you would think that for someone that raised me for 18 years might have a little bit of a harder time just not talking to me for a month.  My mom has not been concered with anything that has to do with me since she left.  I feel so left behind. Like i'm part of her past that she doesn't want to associate with anymore.  I am hurt, but mostly pissed off. 

In a few weeks  i'm sure... I'll have to move out of my house and figure out what in the HELL i'm going to do with myself.  I can always live with my dad, but I am a freshman in college...I don't want to live with a parent.  I can find a house to rent, but I don't want a full time job right now. So basically I'm screwed.  Through all of this shit going on in my life I have realized one thing...

I LOVE THIS TOWN.  Some people hate it, and that's fine.  But i have come to absolutely love this place.  I was born and raised in this town and to some people that makes me a hick, or country and that's TOTALLY FINE WITH ME.. Call me what you want... So many things have been happening in my life lately that make me upset but when I talk about this town I get this feeling inside of me that is amazing... It's happiness.  Sometimes i just get in my car, pop in the Rascal Flatts and drive for HOURS, serioulsy...hours around this town on back roads and all through the country and it takes me back to being younger and happy... I believe that everyone fits somewhere in this world and i believe that my place is right here...yeah, i'm sure i'll leave a few years for school, but for the first time in my life i feel sure about something, sure about coming back here...coming back "home".  It's so odd to me because I remeber being younger and saying "I can't WAIT to get out of this town", but things change guys...just remember that... So you can call me crazy or whatever, but don't be suprised if in a few years your perspective changes on this town.  Yeah, there is bad stuff here, but come on... You have to take the good with the bad and you're going to have to do that anywhere.  If you didn't grow up here you may feel differently...and I hope you find your home if it isn't here... but this is home to me and always will be :)

My BITCH of a mom took my comptuer too, so I only get to check my sites a few times a week at my dads... I recently lost my phone..and ALL my numbers so give me a call or send me a text message so I can get everyones numbers back!! :) Love yall...

903.752.2775

Home Sweet Home

Sometimes there is just no better feeling than simply being "HOME". 

I have been struggling lately.  I am crying as I write this post.  My house is offically "on the market" and I couldn't be anymore unhappy about it.  And to some people that may seem selfish or childish, but this is my home.  These walls reflect me and when you walk in this house you see ME.  The memories in this house are unreal.  I have had some of the best times of my life here, and some of the worst.  There is nowhere in this world that I feel safer.  Which is ironic b'c I have all the reason NOT to feel safe here, but I do.  I never thought that I would care so much about a house, but that was 10 years and 10,000 memories ago when I thought that.  I would not trade the time i've had here in this house or in this town for anything.  So as of June 1 I am technically "homeless".  Sure I have my Daddy's house (which is where I lived for the first 8 years of my life), and I'll have my brothers house, and i'll have my mom's new house with her new husband, and i'll have my new apartment, but see...those are all just HOUSES to me, none of them are my home.  It will be a long time before I call anything home again.  My mom just keeps telling me, you have to make a new home in Dallas or where ever you are...blah, blah, blah...It's not that easy.  I just recently started calling this house my home a few years ago and we've lived here for 10 years.  It seems very childish to care so much I know, but you think about your home and ALL THE MEMORIES there and tell me that you wouldn't be torn up.  Think about... All the birthday parties, all the arguements with your parents that ended in "I HATE YOU" but later turned into "I LOVE YOU", all the meals you shared with your family..however big that may be, all the long talks with your mom or dad, all the punches thrown at annoying brothers and sisters, all the times you crawled in your bed and just cried b'c you were having the worst day in america, the times when you and your mom turned the music up loud and danced untill you couldn't breathe from laughing so hard, all the christmas trees decorated, all the cookies baked, all the times you got your hands dirty planting flowers (against your will) with mom or dad, all the FREAKING times you had to unload the dishwasher, or clean your dirtyyy bathroom, all the times you just sat on your couch, cracked a window, and listened to the rain fall, all the attempts at family activities, or the worst memory of all when your told someone close to you is gone away for now and you'll see them again in the end.  I understand that memories are something that you hold in your heart, but that doesn't make it any easier to leave them behind. 

The boxes are starting to multiply everywhere in the house except for my room and bathroom.  It's just so hard.  I can't bring myself to sort through the objects of my life, the things that make me who I am.  I REFUSE to pack them up just to take them out somewhere that isn't home.  Why this is so hard for me I cannot understand, but it is what it is and I have to get over it and grow up, act my age, and put a smile on my face for my mom.  She is happy, which is all that really matters.  It just sucks that one has to sacrifice for the other, but that's life and i'll do it.  I'm usually not there for her and it's time to grow up and act my age.  So for anyone who wants to know...

HOUSE FOR SALE
239 W. Kansas St.
Van, Texas 75790
2 bedroom, 1 1/2 baths, and a million memories.

You know when you have one of those days where you just don't want to get out of bed? Yeah I have those a lot, but I have come to find out that this is what keeps me going everyday....

Having friends like this doesn't get much better... I absolutely could NOT FUNCTION without these 4 girls. I owe a lot of who am to them.  They have helped shape me into the person I am today and I could not ask for a better group of girls to call my best friends :)

Goodbye's are no good...